Part 1.....The Beginning

I have been married before, twice in fact, and they were not nice experiences, but ones I certainly learned from.

It took me years to realise I was a beautiful person inside and outside, I didn't have to be built like a super-model or have my face airbrushed, all I needed was confidence, which two ex's certainly did'nt provide........ I had a sharp mind, a giving nature and wanted to please people. I had good skin and hair, and wore nice clothes that suited me, and didn't always follow fashion, I was never 'one of a flock'.
I lost my virginity at the age of 18 to the one that was to be husband No1, it was a rather niaive affair, a fumble and a risk of pregnancy overshadowed the event, so not one I recall with relish. I was 18, he, a year older, we'd waited some time, having dated since I was 16, supposed first loves, true loves, but as I am older and look back, wasn't so. I beleive I was simply amazed that someone wanted me, ME! He was a drummer in a band, and I was the girlfriend, I had a position, I suppose I was washed away with that for some time? We dated and married, set up a home on a shoe string, I was training to be a nurse, him an electrician.We went on working, growing up and two years later, having two children but I never really enjoyed sex with him. He never took the time to learn my body, was simply there for what he wanted, his pleasure and while I lost my virginity to him, I never managed to orgasm with him in some eight years that we were together sexually!

As time went on, I lost interest in having sex with him, he was not the cleanest of people, only taking a bath when I ran it for him, bathed him and put new clothes out, he only changed his clothes when I put new out, he didnt want a wife, he wanted a mother figure. So, it was no wonder I lost interest, I could easily masturbate in the bath and silently satisfy myself......As time went on, I lost even more interest, using all the excuses under the sun to avoid sexual contact with him, the old story of too tired, headaches and worries took over all aspects of life, I was too shy to actually say he'd never made me reach anywhere near orgasm, and to be honest, I couldnt be bothered by this stage.

The masturbation angle was a tricky one for me to come to terms with inside my head, I'd been brought with a rather puritanical bent on things, as I was growing up I was told if I was to touch myself I'd go to hell but would be blinded first, probably one of the reasons I never told anyone my eyesight was bad, I was too scared of saying anything for fear that I'd have been thought ill of! But he bought home the magazines and video's from work, I would sneak a look at them and get turned on by them, sneaking off to satisfy the need in the loo...I never knew if he used them for that, certainly there was never any suggestion of using them to enhance sex, or to get me interested, they stayed on his side of the room and that was it, so I simply threw myself into the children.

The marriage deteriorated and we parted, I stayed alone for a couple of years before falling for the old line of "well if you don't marry me, then who will, you've got two kids"a friends brother showed interest in me, he came with the trappings I'd been missing out on and within a couple of months, I'd seccumbed to his charms and we married, so he achieved something he wanted, to be married, and I got a partner again, hoping things would improve as time went on.

And so I hoped this one would awaken me, but no, he was worse, the kids were off my hands at weekends, so there was time, and the house to ourselves, he thought it was wrong to make love with the sun in the sky, proper people didnt have sex or make love during the day, sex was for nightime and with the lights off!
Dressing up was out of the window too, I was laughed at when I said I wanted to wear stockings and suspenders, told I was too fat, I'd look stupid and what was the point, the lights were off so he could'nt see. My protestations that he could touch and feel the contrast of sensual fabric and soft skin were ignored, and so I never did dress up, I never owned anything remotely sexy, and through the damage of words to my self esteem, I shut down again, concentrating on a career and a life on my own, which I knew would come eventually as I planned to leave the home once the kids had left school, I could wait like this for another two years, no problem.
I just didn't understand this man, I couldn not talk to him, any talk of sex was met with a red face and him leaving the room! Any sexual position other than him on top was taboo and I'd be challenged as to why I was trying to get on top, or why on earth would I want to put his penis into my mouth, he'd never engage in oral sex, telling me it was dirty..... ?

The Kids knew I wanted to go and supported me all the way, but of course, they didn;t know all the truths going on, no one knew what was really going on, no one knew of the degradation and the hurt I was suffering inside, as well as the sheer bloody frustration!
Things came to a head and I couldnt wait any longer, one thing No2 had was a loose tongue, and he let something slip about the numbers in his mobile phone directory...he was easy to read so we worked out his PIN while he was in the shower, I found two numbers I didn't recognise, so jotted them down. We locked the phone again and I kept the numbers safe, one day at work, I called the numbers, escorts, or hookers in my book! I couldn;t beleive this, he didnt want to explore anything sexually with me, yet would pay for it? I felt disgusted to begin with, ashamed that I'd driven him to it, and then the realisation broke through, was it my fault? What had I done wrong? Was I not willing to talk, not willing to try to work things through? The conculsion was that I was not the one at fault, despite all the guilt being laid at my feet.
It certainly explained a lot, why he never approached me for sex at all within the last 12 months of the marriage, why it was never questioned, nothing...why he never had any money, why he'd dissappear at weekends for hours, telling me he'd been shopping, yet never brought anything home, why one New Year's Eve he went out at 3pm, telling me he' be 2-3 hours visiting family, and came back 28 hours later and not a word......

I was gone from there within the following two months, telling him 10 minutes before I walked out on him, finally, exactly why.....he stood there " If thats how you feel, OK then" was the parting shot from him, no answer to that is there?.....
I set up house with my son, my daughter went to live with her father, who, I might add, had actually become a great friend to me, he'd found another partner and we all got on well in our roles, couldn't make things work together, but apart was cool!
I lived with my son for 18 months where I sorted myself out, mentally I worked things through, I read books and magazines, I watched programmes on TV, all about sex, I educated myself, just needed someone to practice with now!

I had all the weekends free, on my own, my son would be at this fathers, so I had time to be me, and time to find out who I was, what I liked, what I didnt like, what felt nice and what didn't and what make me feel good. I masturbated, I tried all sorts of things, I bought vibrators and books mail order, my son asking me what was in the parcel, of course I never told him, but I'd be so excited and would look forward to the weekend.....

Saturdays would come, I'd gotten into a routine of not getting dressed til later, on would go the PJ's when it was time to get up, breakfast would be done, the housework done, my son collected by his father, then my fun time would begin.

A last coffee, a last smoke then lock the doors, I'd have a luxurious bubble bath, soaking for ages, washing every single bit of me, preening and pruning, I'd take care of legs, underarms, bikini area, a facial, hairwashed and dried, perfumed, I'd slip into bed again, fresh sheets on a Saturday, and I'd be dying to begin, a little reading, or watching some lightweight porno movie I'd recorded in the week would really be what I needed, then I'd begin to explore, a long mirror placed at the foot of my bed, so I could see all I was, I'd part my pussy lips and look carefully at myself, I was'nt ugly, a pussy opened up was not a bad sight, why had No2 declined to lick me there? I never worked that one out.
What was wrong with having a good look at each other intimately, what was wrong with exploring with fingers and tongue? What was so wrong with foreplay? What was wrong with fingering me to orgasm, playing with my clit, seeing what it could do for me, watching as I was taken to orgasm, what was so wrong in that? Why had he used hookers when I was here, willing to learn.....?
I'd heard years before, "never put anything into your pussy you wouldnt put in your mouth" good rule of thumb that one, His cock went into my cunt so why couldn't I suck on his cock, it was a nice looking one. average length but nicely thick, on the rare occasions we did have sex, I always enjoyed the sensation of him entering me the first thrust, parting the way into me, that would be the only pleasureable part from my point of view...anyway, I digress....

I would look at my cunt, it was beautiful, I love looking at cunts, they are like flowers, their petals opening to reveal the centre, fragrant and soft, I loved looking at mine, I loved seeing what I looked like when I masturbated, when I put fingers inside myself, when I inserted the vibrator, when I found things around the house I'd cleaned for play, I loved playing, exploring. There was no one in my life to explore so I pleasured myself, I loved looking at my cunt as I brought myself to orgasm, seeing it flush with colour and feeling it throbbing....
Sometimes I would have flashes of panic, where I thought I'd be punished for this, but if we weren't meant to be pleasured like this, why would we have the gifts there?....I was also conscious that this was no substitute for a relationship, sharing in the pleasures was what I wanted, but I wasn't going to throw myself at anyone for the sakes of sexual pleasure, I had regained my dignity and pride, but I'dcome a long way, a journey undertaken alone, I knew now, what I did want in a partner and where I would not compromise ......
To be continued......